I have another LJ, but I still will use this one from time to time to just kind of...vent really lol Other LJ
It's mainly for posting writing stuff, so check it out!
Well a lot has been on my mind lately. I've been working alot the past week or so because of break and the new quarter starting again.
I've also been worried that i might be pregnant.
I've had scares before, but something seems different this time. I don't know what it is. I don't want to waste my money on a test just to find it negative, but i don't want to have to worry about it either. I think I'm gonna wait until this Friday since i have a gyno appointment then and i'll get tested. More than likely, if i am, there is no way it would survive with my health problems and meds i take.
It's wierd because what started me worrying about it was of course when Daryl didnt pull out, and second was because Perry told me he had a feeling something big and bad was gonna happen and that it involved me. I also have done some tarot readings and have gotten the Empress three times in a row, but the one i did last night she didn't turn up in. Also whenever Daryl got to my house yesterday the first thing he said when he come into my room was that he thought there was something different about me. It was like instantly i knew something wasn't right with me. Something is going on inside my body that I'm not aware of i think.
My MRI results came back normal, which kinda makes me mad cuz that just means theres no reason for my back pain. it makes no fucking sense. It's like my bone mass problem all over again. Whenever i couldn't figure out why my stress fractures wouldn't heal it took like a year and a half to figure out i had Osteopenia. It's ridiculous how doctors are nowadays, they don't know SHIT.
Anyway yeah, imma go now..I just wanna go home and play WoW LOL My mage is so badass.....
It's wierd, i realized today that i must be something special. I know that sounds so self-involved, but today i was reading something my ex wrote and i realized something.
Why is it, that when i say those three words, and mean them, and am deeply involved with someone, when it ends they severely regret it? I mean, with Derek he talked for months about me coming back to him. Like he'd beg and plead with me and tell me that i was the only one for him and all this, and now my other ex is telling me that i mean the world to him and that his whole world view and stuff has changed because of me and i just can't help but wonder how im so special? Why is it that people are so drawn to me and want to be close to me. I'm probably the most unstable person i know, i mean i'm not exactly the greatest human being when it comes to social standards. I smoke, smoke weed, take pills more than i should, i cut, i have depression, disabled, heart problems. I dunno if thats the best excuse for me not being perfect but i dunno how people can stand to be around me sometimes when i can't even stand to be around myself....
I dunno what im thinking right now. It's like everything is spinning and i'm so out of it that i dont see what's going on. Like i don't have enough control to stop it. Its not that I'm unhappy, just that things aren't going as well as i'd like them to ya know? Like things could be better. Of course everyone says that....
What is it about me that people love? I don't see it at all. i mean sure i'm not like most girls, i dont want material things i dont give a shit about cars or money i dont care what they look like i just want someone who can make me laugh and make me happy. I dunno....
well gotta get back to work. the rush is comin in :P
Old blog entry from myspace #2: religious rant part 2 : November 25th, 2007
Something occured to me today, and I'm not sure why it hasn't hit me until now.
Why is it that everyone who recovers from things like Alcholism, Drug Abuse, SI, etc, all find God to be what freed them?
I just don't get it. These people act like they were in the dark their whole lives then BAM oh yeah! I can believe in God and everything will be okay. For some of us, we knew about God, we knew about Jesus, and we used to think that believing in them made everything okay....but we woke up.
Why can't there be other ways to find peace? Sure i've suffered and dealt with shit, but you don't see me runnin around praising god and praying about it. You can be the most religious person in the world but guess what??? Your life still sucks. Belief won't change that. Why can't you just live your life normally and still be content with it? I know I can. So go ahead and find content with your prayers if it makes you happy, just don't expect me to join your religious support groups if i have a problem.....
((old blog entry from myspace #1 : July 29th, 2007
Well, I used to write poetry constantly in high school, and since then i've kinda drifted away from it, but I finally sat down and wrote something a while back and thought i'd post it :P
Slip (Devil's Tongue)
Last time was an end with half a beginning
Time has past and I buried all thoughts of you
Now that you're here my head can't stop spinning
Why don't we try to make it through
I remember a kiss that could last forever
A touch that I just cannot forget
I thought it was the right choice, so smart and so clever
Instead I was left with a breath of regret
Perhaps we weren't ready or we were too young
To selfish to think such a thing could last
I let my heart slip on the devil's tongue
And now it's cracked at the edge of glass
Was she worth it or have you changed your mind
Did life deal a hand you weren't ready for
Watch the clock as the hands unwind
Its time to face what you felt before
I don't want lies or illicit schemes
Just the light in your eyes and undying trust
I can't let you evade my darkest dreams
If all you see of me is lust
Can't let it slip like the devil's tongue
Can't let myself fall for you
Was it because we were too young
Or are you the kind that remains untrue.
|You Are a Pinky|
You are fiercely independent, and possibly downright weird.
A great communicator, you can get along with almost anyone.
You are kind and sympathetic. You support all your friends - and love them for who they are.
You get along well with: The Ring Finger
Stay away from: The Thumb
|What Your Sleeping Position Says|
You are calm and rational.
You are also giving and kind - a great friend.
You are easy going and trusting.
However, you are too sensible to fall for mind games.
|You Are Basic Panties|
You are a laid back chick with a real natural beauty.
You can make unwashed hair and minimal make-up super sexy.
Men tend to notice you show the "real you" - and they appreciate it.
And while basic makes boring for some, it looks classic on you.
|What Your Underwear Says About You|
You have a lucky pair of underwear. And you wear it more than you should.
You're comfortable in your own skin - and don't care to impress anyone.
|Your Values Profile|
You value loyalty a fair amount.
You're loyal to your friends... to a point.
But if they cross you, you will reconsider your loyalties.
Staying true to others is important to you, but you also stay true to yourself.
You don't really value honesty.
You do value getting your way, no matter what.
And if a little lying is required to do that, no problem.
A few white lies never hurt anyone (at least, that's what you tell yourself!)
You don't really value generosity.
Your needs always come first, no matter what.
And you'll possibly help someone else out...
But only if it helps you in return.
You value humility a fair amount.
You tend to be an easy going, humble person.
But occasionally your ego takes over.
You have a slight competitive streak - and the need to be the best.
You value tolerance highly.
Not only do you enjoy the company of those very different from you...
You do all that you can to seek it out interesting and unique friends.
You think there are many truths in life, and you're open to many of them.
Well, i feel as if i should post something, not that many people take a peek at this blog anymore, but what the hell.
I've been thinking all day, and I've come to realize yeah this world sucks ass, but i can do nothing about but bitch, so i guess that's were blogs come in. A place to rant your pain and annoyances. Always fun...
I was mad today, and i haven't been mad in quite a while. Especially at someone i've only been mad at before once in my life, and that was in the third grade when she made friends with someone i didn't like and got jealous....sad.
I guess i expected to much of her, to think that she'd just up and say "hey, i get it, it's cool and i support you and your opinions," but i didn't get that. She might as well have said i was a miserable excuse for a human being and needed spiritual guidance or some shit like that. I might say some things that you won't like, but oh well.
I'm not a religious person, and when someone preaches to me all i wanna do is tell them to stop because it won't do any good. I chose this because i am what i am and i believe what i believe. Some people may think it's just a phase, but i'll just say that the system of religion does nothing but corrupt and pin people against people. Organized Religion, something i think has been run down in the dirt and brought back up into something molded by society to suit their needs, aggravated the hell out of me. To me it's like just another person, or "entity" as you may call it, telling you what to do. Power. It's something everyone craves, no matter how mundane. Power of others, power over yourself. When your sitting there telling someone that God thinks you're doing wrong, why don't you turn the fuck around and look in the mirror. People die for these things, these beliefs. It just adds to the war and chaos that consumes this world. No wonder people think the end is near, just look around. Right now were in a war that doesn't even make sense to me, and i'm sitting here at a computer with a televison in the background and there are people dying for something i don't think is right. I'm just sick of this fucking society and the way the world is run. Sure i live in a small town and don't get direct effect, but i get that, unlike some people who can't even see outside of their own eyes, see the world for what it is. They live in their own little worlds, doing the things they think is right or even wrong, living in ignorance. But i guess ignorance is bliss, unless you know the truth, then you feel sorry for those who don't know....
Sorry about that random rant, im on a lot of sleepy meds and i'm sick. Anyway...yeah...
You guys will never guess what i just got!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My friend got me a Gryffindor Robe from the second film used by Dean Thomas's double.........
*SCREAMS LIKE NO ONES BUISNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*
I was so happy i cried, i couldn't believe it! Yeah it's a little small, but i dont care! It's perfect and i love it!!! I will definatly post pictures later today, i am so friggin flipping out!!
I'm updating because, well i actually had an interesting weekend! Can you believe it? Me either...
Anyway, on tuesday i found out that one of my old friends is working at the tobacco store i always go to, so we caught up a bit and hung out on thursday. Friday my aunt was admitted to the hospital so they could induce labor, and I ended up staying until midnight there, but during the day i had a bunch of running around to do. Then this morning i went back to the hospital because she had her baby at like 8 am, and then i came home and took a nap, then Stacy came over and we hung out until 7. That may not sound like much, but that's the most excitement i've had in a while...I'm just so glad that Jenn is living around here because now i wont just sit on my ass and do nothing. I'm getting my pathetic excuse for a social life back!! YAY!
Also i saw 10 seconds of the HP and the OoTP trailer and i was like a kid at a candy store *squee!!* Alan is so yummy, when i first heard his voice on the compy i was like OMG *melts*
Anyway, yeah, that was the fun time i had, also me and my grandma ended up sneakin around the hospital because we went outside to smoke, and we weren't allowed back in the way we went out so we propped the door open with a wet floor sign, then my mom called and said a cleaning person was coming, so we hurried back in and had to take a detour up this stairwell. It was so funny because we had to go up and try to get out but the doors were locked. So we went back down and we were tryin to be quiet and my ankle popped real loud, and i was tryin not to laugh then i took another step and the other one popped. We finally got back in without getting caught but it was pretty funny. It was great just being goofy with my grandma, that's always fun :P
Wow, this is the longest entry in a VERY long time, so i guess i'll go for now!
- Music:Push - Sarah McLachlan